he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We had to coat check the pizza.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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