Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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