wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
