I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
