Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
