So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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