I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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