evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
