my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
