i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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