You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Randomize
