We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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