I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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