If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
