when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
