The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
