Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What drink are we having for lunch?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize