I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize