How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
