meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
