how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
