your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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