Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
