Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
