he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
