my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
