Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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