Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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