im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
i've created a new STD.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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