I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
