Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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