gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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