Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
