Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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