I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
