This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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