I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
