I think I am morally bankrupt
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
