Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
