i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
