i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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