I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
