Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
