she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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