There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Randomize