I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Randomize
