SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
That was an excessively violent trivia night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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