God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I want a musical about memes.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
