my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
