I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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