we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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