i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
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