If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
