i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
