that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
