My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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