I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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