Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
