I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
