Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
