I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
