Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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