I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
